The allure of "Unhealthy" food, and why it has been such an emotional clutch

First off, I just want to mention that I am trying to heal my relationship with food. Food has always been what I go to in times of emotional distress. More commonly, however, I go to food whenever I feel emotional bored.

I believe this stemmed from a time when I was oh-so-young. When I was five years old, I lived on the tiny island of Guam. There wasn't much to do back in the day before smartphones. I parents, both of whom were barely out of their teens, did not know how to entertain me, let alone three children.

They were still traumatized from the time my sister passed away at six months. In their anxiety and heartbreak from the whole ordeal, I was banned from going outside past 6PM. Why 6PM, I couldn't tell you, but I do know that I would get a big butt-whoopin' if I was even one-minute late.

Unfortunately, I would be stuck in the house bored out of my mind. I was a kid that needed tons of mental stimulation. I like to think that I was a lot smarter than kids of my age group at the time, so things like toys only gave me so much enjoyment. We were too poor to have a TV, so it was just me interacting with my younger brothers.

My parents didn't know better - all they focused on were providing food in our mouths and a roof above our heads. They worked over 60 hours a week and were absolutely exhausted. They had no time to tend to the psychological aspects of things. Hell, I don't even think psychology was a big thing back in the day.

So when it would hit nighttime and my dad would fall asleep in the early evening, I would be left in the dark with absolutely nothing to do.

Sometimes, my dad would find me sulking in the dark, crying to myself, and he would take me out to get some fast food.

Now, whenever I am bored, I reach for the nearest thing. Crunchy food was my go-to, but I seemed to have extend that comfort to other foods, including sugar. 

I feel empowered by knowing the source of why I eat when I don't need to

It is absolutely crucial in any behavior changing process to understand why we do the behaviors in the first place. After much self-reflection, I figured out the primary why for why I overeat.

Now comes the hard part ... how do I change this bad habit?

Perhaps journaling about this is enough. Maybe typing away at my computer is fulfilling some of the boredom that I am experiencing.

Perhaps tackling the boredom itself is where I should start. I find myself extremely bored when I am not working, and, dare I say, sad when I am left to do nothing but rest.

Perhaps figuring out why I can't just sit and relax should be my next mental project. But anywho..

That's the end of this submission. Thank you, dad, for doing your best, but forcefeeding me McDonalds until the tears stopped didn't help. I forgive you, and I understand you were just doing your best.